Emotions can be confusing. In fact, scientists haven’t even been able to come to a consensus on a definition. And if you ask emotion researchers how many basic, universal emotions there are, you will hear anything from 4-87. That’s a pretty giant (and largely unhelpful) range!
So, if the people with PhDs on the topic don’t even know what emotion truly is, how are the rest of us supposed to make sense of the many societal and family messages we receive about emotions and emotional expression?
Below, I’ve put together some of the most common myths that you may believe and challenge you to think about them differently. Because even though there is still so much to learn about our emotions, we do know that thoughts greatly impact how we feel, which is why it is helpful to have a healthy outlook on the way we feel.
- We are our emotions.
Ever catch yourself saying, “I am so anxious,” or hear a friend tell you that they “are depressed” or “are angry”? Of course, you have. This identification with emotion is built into the English language.
Think about it, though, are YOU anxious, or are you FEELING anxious?
YOU are so much more than just the emotion you are experiencing at the moment. Language matters, and speaking like that over identifies us with already overwhelming feeling states. If we aren’t paying attention, we can begin to lose who we are in that label.
So, what happens if you change your language? Try it. Next time you are feeling a strong emotion, say, “I notice I am feeling depressed,” and see if it helps you separate yourself from it a bit.
- Strong emotions mean I am out of control.
I get it. Sometimes when a feeling comes up, the sensations are so strong you immediately go into some pattern of behavior that you end up regretting. Maybe you feel super angry and snap at the people you love. Or get overcome with shame and hurt yourself in some way. Or maybe you feel sad and immediately isolate yourself and collapse into tears.
Here’s what we know, though: while emotions and behaviors often go hand in hand, they are different and, with practice, can be separated completely. And, as much as some would have you believe, control doesn’t mean having little to no emotion or emotional expression.
Control is experiencing your emotion fully, expressing it appropriately, and behaving in a values-guided way. Emotional regulation skills can help you accomplish that. Somatic therapy can teach you these skills.
- If I feel it, it must be true.
Does being scared always mean someone is in danger? Does feeling angry always mean someone was wronged in some way? Does feeling guilty always mean you did something wrong?
You may be tempted to say yes because emotions can be extremely convincing, and when you are upset, it FEELS true. But the truth is, emotions don’t always fit the facts.
Imagine being home alone and hearing a creak and getting flooded with fear. Suddenly, you are convinced that your fear means someone is in the house. But does your fear make danger a reality? No. The vast majority of the time, a creak in a house has a harmless explanation, like the ice maker, furnace, or even a pet in another room.
So, next time you find yourself buying into an emotion, take a step back, breathe deep, and check the facts.
- Situations create emotions.
It is common to think that public speaking makes us nervous. Or winning a game makes us feel happy. Or hearing “I love you” makes you feel warm and connected. But that’s actually untrue.
The classic example is two kids in line for a roller coaster. One is standing there about to throw up with fear-heart racing, palms sweating, and totally nauseous. The other is jumping out of their skin with excitement and has a giant smile on their face.
Same situation, so what is going on?
What is happening here is that emotional situations don’t create emotions; emotions actually stem from the way we think about things- our perceptions, interpretations, evaluations, and even assumptions. The first kid is probably thinking, “That thing is a death trap!” while the second kid is looking at the same coaster thinking, “This is going to be awesome and thrilling and so much fun!”.
The truth is the way we think about a situation leads to how we feel about it, which influences our expressions and behavior.
The cool part? We can use this knowledge to our advantage. Next time you are feeling a strong emotion, pay attention to your thoughts and then try out a different thought and see if it changes how you feel.
- It’s better to be rational than emotional.
Sometimes, when emotions are particularly painful or when you’ve been called sensitive or dramatic one too many times, it makes sense to start believing that it would be better to simply not feel at all. To just shut it all off and live in your head seems easier, right?
Unfortunately, that wouldn’t solve your problems- it would just create new ones. As difficult as emotions are to live with, sometimes, when they fit the facts, they provide extremely valuable information.
Anger points us toward our values. Fear tells us when to pay attention and stay safe. Sadness shows us we care deeply about something and signals to others that we need support. Stress screams at us to slow down. Love and affection bond us to the people we most deeply care about.
So, logic and reason are wonderful. You have a brilliant mind. And emotions are deeply valuable. A wholehearted, healthy human learns with time (and a little bit of help) how to beautifully integrate it all.
Which myths have you believed? Have I convinced you to rethink your position? Let us know in the comments.
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